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breakin' up|rilo kiley

#NUMBER 154ONEHUNDRED&FIFTYFOUR
Dear world. I am Drunk. Derek, Krysta (sister of Natahna), and myself drank white wine, sangria, and peach/mango water, Bellini’s. Natahna arrived late, and therefore missed all the drinking/hot tubbing… those who don’t know, I have a hot tub. Derek is drunk to the point of sick, and I’m worried that he may puke. But that worry amounts to nothing when you look at how much of an asshole he has been… one sec, I think he’s barfing… FALSE ALARM! I think it was the fridge making odd noise.
Anywho! I worry that Derek is over me. The worry stems from a lack of interest and a lack of sex. Since the week prior to our moving to Victoria, our sex life has declined from once ever two days minimum, to twice a month average. I am 20! A very sexual being! I need sex more often and though as if I’m not open enough, I don’t masturbate, and so this is a big stress. I get mad after four days without sex. So imagine finding out the following:

1. Early in your relationship with your boyfriend, you find yourself constantly feeling inferior to his long time crush and best friend.
2. You move out together and suddenly your sex life dries up
3. You move out and your boyfriend starts looking at gay dating sites, though assuring you he isn’t looking for a new boyfriend and that he just finds the guys on the sites funny.
4. Your boyfriend gets a new computer and because of number three(above) you are worried that he will do more than just look at gay dating sites, just to find out he got off, on video, with random fifteen year olds and others on the internet. Though a onetime thing, it’s always in the back of your mind how easy it is to hide your tracks.
5. Your boyfriend tells you that “YOU” are not happy since you moved and that you are too dependent and that he needs space but you are still attractive to him… despite how not often he wants to have sex with you and how often he makes fun of you.
6. Imagine cleaning up in an attempt to make your boyfriend happy so he might want to hang out with you, and have a quiet night to yourselves, when you come across a drawer that won’t close. You investigate and find a book propped up preventing the drawer from closing, and while tidying you notice a corner of paper sticking out. You go to put it back in, thinking nothing of it, only to have it fall out with several other pieces of paper. When you go to hide the evidence you notice the line, “ he fucked me the night before you”… Surprise! Your boyfriend got fucked by/fucked(???) some guy who fucked your boyfriends crush/best friend the next day!
7. You confront him and he gets defensive: calling you out on random shit, like telling you he feels like he has to parent you, and all sorts of other shit you have felt vice versa.
8. You sleep in separate beds until you go to a party and get booze in your blood and coke up your nose and make up… Despite your boyfriends best friend telling you that if she were in your shoes things would play out different.
9. Imagine wanting to have sex and having your boyfriend shut down your every advance, when you do have sex he doesn’t notice that after he’s came you’re left high and dry, often not noticing how harshly long it has been since you had sex, and more than occasionally telling you how hot they find random guys.
10. Imagine waiting patiently for days, trying not to make any advances, but waking up making them, getting shot down, and then feeling pathetic.
11. Imagine your boyfriend going on and on about wanting to be buff to get him a better job and commenting on how hot muscled troglodytes are… knowing you are not buff… and knowing you have no desire to be buff.
12. Imagine coming home to find your boyfriend has been looking at raunchy, though YouTube allowed, videos of built guys crotches, body builders, etc…

All these things make me feel like shit… but I love him… though I feel like I miss him. He was so sweet, and so into me, and we had sex at the most random times all the time, and now I feel like I have to beg for him to have sex with me… I feel like shit. I want to move home, or get a good job and get away for a while… I want to know whether or not he is as into me as I am into him…
I feel pathetic, and I know I am for writing this, but this is what’s major in my life right now. I don’t know what to do, I do know I’m drunk, and if Derek doesn’t initiate sex with me by my next paycheck, I am using it to move home and I will rebuild from there.

That, or like always, I am over reacting...